House Sharing

[Stacy Hamilton]

Hi all,

I'm new to the board and relatively new to transition, but I'm leaping in with both feet! I just began housesharing with two friends of mine and now we're trying to navigate the legal aspects of it all. I was wondering if anyone out there would like to share their experiences with housesharing, if any, what agreements they made, lawyers they used, technques, etc. Thanks so much for your input!

[Alex]

This isn't a professional, legal opinion but I think more important than the lawyers is the mutual understanding.

[Once upon a time I signed an NDA with a budding startup - the owner insisted I sign not so that he could sue me later, but so that I wouldn't do things that would lead him to sue me later.]

 

I did house share one summer and I'd just recommend that you make agreements about the stuff that counts. Maybe it's groceries or rent or quiet time or cleanliness or communal time or decision making - if it's important, talk about it. The only other thing I'd recommend is think about how you'll handle conflicts when they *do* arise - is everyone willing to discuss issues and come to a solution that works for all?

[Stacy Hamilton]

I realized reading your reply that I wasn't clear about a major point--I'm looking to co-own property and land with people I'm not married to (the only arrangement most people know about).  We are certainly looking to cover all our bases as far as day to day living is concerned, and I'm sure we're forgetting about some aspects that we should discuss before problems come up. But the legal aspects of co-ownership and what to do if things don't work out is all new to most realtors and lawyers.

[David Eggleton]

I've been there twice, when values were rising.  Both ended sadly, due to employment and married couple problems.  It worked out well for us, financially, however, and we both accomplished things we hadn't envisioned accomplishing in this life (namely, enlightening two builders regarding energy efficiency) and landed well, on our own.  We believe we can stay here as long as we wish.

Here's a start: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Concurrent_estate

[Stacy Hamilton]

Thanks for the link! And Alex, thanks for the interpersonal advice.  In my experiences with divorce and other legal travails, agreements only get you so far. , as well as establishing our boundaries, personal goals, day-to-day preferences, etc.   We are particularly aware that we really need a codified conflict-resolution method for the health of the community.

[Alex]

With my limited knowledge of living with people, maybe you could give me some advice on co-habitation :)

 

Could you tell me what else I could do beyond pre-made agreements and a "codified conflict-resolution method"?

Stacy Hamilton said:

Thanks for the link! And Alex, thanks for the interpersonal advice.  In my experiences with divorce and other legal travails, agreements only get you so far. , as well as establishing our boundaries, personal goals, day-to-day preferences, etc.   We are particularly aware that we really need a codified conflict-resolution method for the health of the community.

[Jen Hartley]

I know there's a bunch of advice to be found on this topic through the intentional communities movement.  Try starting at ic.org.  You will at least find a bunch of listings for local intentional communities that you could call and ask.  I live in cohousing (for now... we're trying to sell our house) but that has a different legal/financial structure than what you're describing.

[Stacy Hamilton]

Cohousing is one option, cohabitation is another, and Alex I am not sure which one you are interested in. I will define cohousing as sharing land but not house space, where cohabitation is living in the same structure together and sharing at least some of the actual house, eg. a shared kitchen and community room.  I am currently cohabitating, and I have to say that it has been a tremendous learning experience mostly because we most of us were not trained to do it AT ALL growing up. I myself lived with my mom, dad and sister in our house, and no one else ever did anything but visit.  Husbands and wives, partners, etc.,  share their space, but there's a whole culturally codified method for doing that, usually through providing roles that each person fulfills. In cohabitation, you go at it as a collection of individual, autonomous adults. A useful concept we have come up with so far is that we do not have obligations to each other as individuals (which is how most partners seem to do it), but we ARE responsible for the health of the community. So then you have the fun of determining what healthy even means for each of you--is it each of you having plenty of space and time away from each other? Is the idea to integrate many families' activities and interests? Is it financial stability and viability? It's a terrific opportunity to determine your own goals of what you want for yourself, what you need to be healthy and happy, and what you want to have kept private.  When we live in our little isolated boxes, it's easy to just live half-asleep and never really think about that stuff.

I could talk forever on the subject, just ask my friends!

[Alex]

Cohabitation is what I'm looking at at the moment. Shoulds like setting/sharing both individual and collective goals is helpful - is that what you're saying?

Stacy Hamilton said:

Cohousing is one option, cohabitation is another, and Alex I am not sure which one you are interested in. I will define cohousing as sharing land but not house space, where cohabitation is living in the same structure together and sharing at least some of the actual house, eg. a shared kitchen and community room.  I am currently cohabitating, and I have to say that it has been a tremendous learning experience mostly because we most of us were not trained to do it AT ALL growing up. I myself lived with my mom, dad and sister in our house, and no one else ever did anything but visit.  Husbands and wives, partners, etc.,  share their space, but there's a whole culturally codified method for doing that, usually through providing roles that each person fulfills. In cohabitation, you go at it as a collection of individual, autonomous adults. A useful concept we have come up with so far is that we do not have obligations to each other as individuals (which is how most partners seem to do it), but we ARE responsible for the health of the community. So then you have the fun of determining what healthy even means for each of you--is it each of you having plenty of space and time away from each other? Is the idea to integrate many families' activities and interests? Is it financial stability and viability? It's a terrific opportunity to determine your own goals of what you want for yourself, what you need to be healthy and happy, and what you want to have kept private.  When we live in our little isolated boxes, it's easy to just live half-asleep and never really think about that stuff.

I could talk forever on the subject, just ask my friends!

[Stacy Hamilton]

Absolutely. Not knowing your own goals and letting the household be driven by someone else's ends up with someone feeling disempowered and someone else feeling like they're doing all the work.  And if your goals don't match, we've found ways to agree to disagree.  I want to stay home, homeschool and homestead, and my cohabitors (if that's a word) want to run a gym and NOT have anything to do with the research or daily care of the land and animals. So in a lot of ways our worlds do not in fact intersect.  I am in charge of the house, so finding ways to split the expenses has been a bit tricky. But again, if everyone is committed to the health of the community, and can articulate what that means and how it happens, and you regularly check in about it, issues will be solved.

 

I don't mean to make it sound easy--it takes a tremendous amount of self reflection, honesty, and sometimes painful discussion to get through stuff that can be very emotional. But so far it has been a tremendous growth experience for me, greater than in any other situation I've ever experienced.

[Katrien Vander Straeten]

We're also in the planning stages of setting up a "cohabitation" with very dear friends. We call it an intentional community, though. There is a book, Creating a life together : practical tools to grow ecovillages and intentional communities / Diana Leafe Christian ; foreword by Patch Adams. It's on its way to me via interlibrary loan, so I can't say if it's any good, but I've heard good things about it.

Our main reason, besides the fact that we like each other a lot and that our girl and their girl could gain a sibling, is to get out of debt and, by saving, to fund our sustainability plans. It's very exciting, but so far the biggest hurdle seems to be the extrication from present stressors... Still, exciting!

k.

[Stacy Hamilton]

I have that book sitting in my library... I would love to hear your take on the book when you read it.  There are quite a lot of resources out there, which is very exciting. I long for more time to read everything that is of interest to me! Good luck with your extrication!!

[Katrien Vander Straeten]

Lol, "extrication". First I thought I made that up but it appears to exist. Not pretty!

 

I'm still waiting on interlibrary loan to pass it my way. Will let you know once I've read it.

Stacy Hamilton said:

I have that book sitting in my library... I would love to hear your take on the book when you read it.  There are quite a lot of resources out there, which is very exciting. I long for more time to read everything that is of interest to me! Good luck with your extrication!!